No One Wants Anything Escaping Their Face.

I have… fuzzy hair. Fuzzy hair that often forms the shape of a triangle. Mostly isosceles, but sometimes equilateral, and thank gawd – never obtuse.

Some background: my father is black, straight outta Kingston; and mum is a short white woman with stunning blue eyes, a ridiculously large vocabulary, and has taught me the fine art of sarcasm. I love her very much. Combine the hair types of these two people… and I’ve lived life with certain a type of puffiness and fuzziness, that few understand.

Which is why I “relax” my hair. You do what now? I RELAX it. I put my curls on vacation, I buy them a one-way ticket to Hawaii, I stretch them out in a hammock. I use a no lye treatment formulated to loosen or “relax” the tight coils that spring from my melon. There are several reasons why I relax my hair, but all you need to know is that it makes my life easier.

I relax my hair once or twice a year. It all depends on how much new growth I can handle. I’ll just add the hashtag right now: #blackpeopleproblems. So I’m at a point where I can’t blow out my hair without a ring of curly new growth framing my face and even if I air dry it, it looks like the first two or three inches of hair around my crown are trying to escape my face. And nobody wants anything escaping their face.

Tonight, I attempted to purchase a box of relaxer. You may think this isn’t an issue; you think wrong. First stop was London Drugs (not in London, and not known for drugs, but rather good deals on toilet paper.) LD always has my back. Except for tonight. LD didn’t have it, man. LD is temporarily out of stock. I looked online to see if other LD stores had a box and nothin’.

I decided to take a chance on Shoppers Drug Mart. Back in the day, I always hit up Shoppers for my relaxer needs. They were my go-to. But about three years ago, relaxer seemed to disappear from the stores where I shop. Not even an “ethnic” section so I stopped shopping at Shoppers. Not only for relaxer, but for just about everything because they are the most overpriced retailer on the planet… but that is another post.

Anyholla, I popped into a downtown Vancouver Shoppers. I was met with a DJ spinning old school R&B and hip-hop music. So fun! I mouthed the words and headed upstairs to purchase relaxer. I walked up and down the hair and beauty aisles and didn’t see the creamy crack. An employee asked if she could help me with anything.

This is what went down:

Employee: Can I help you find anything?

Me: I’m looking for relaxer.

Employee: Ahhhh

Me: Hair relaxer. Or an ethnic section. You know for black folk.

Employee: [Gritting teeth emoji] All of our hair products are here and beauty products in the other aisle.

Me: Hmmmm. Okay. That sucks. [walks out of store]

Even though I wasn’t truly expecting Shoppers to have the relaxer, it’s still disappointing. It’s 2016 y’all. Why can’t you carry relaxer on the regular? That shit does not expire. And not everyone has hair that needs treatment from the bazillion different products you carry that all essentially do the same thing, and that are in every “drug store.” How about merchandising product for people like me and my triangle? You are missing out on a massive market.

I need my hair product so bad, I’m going to drive over 30 minutes, to another city, just to buy it. Get your head out of the clouds, retailers. Triangles are people too.

Can’t Think Of A Title Right Now

I started meditating this past January. In the beginning, I went like 40+ days straight, mediating each morning before work. That is some kind of miracle, because I don’t think I’ve ever done anything for 40 days in a row. Well, maybe I’ve made a sarcastic comment 40 days steady, but that’s no challenge – that’s necessary for my survival. I’ve probably eaten chocolate 40 days straight too… for the antioxidants. Yes, those health benefits are totally why I eat chocolate. But wait, I was writing about meditation.

Meditation is awesome, now. After years of reading an excessive number of books authored by the Chopras and the Nhat Hanhs of the world, I couldn’t make meditation stick no matter what those guys had to say! I couldn’t get it “to work.” I tried sitting cross-legged on the floor, cross-legged on my bed, cross-legged in the tub, cross-legged in a park, cross-legged at the beach… I may have even sat cross-legged in Teddi-Bear’s bed. She always has a good snooze there, so it seemed like a logical next step. That didn’t work either. That’s right, a small dog’s bed was not suitable for human mediation.

Fast-forward to 2016 and something clicked with meditation and me. Like a really good first date, I wanted to see mediation more! And so I did, like I mentioned up top, for over one month. Then like a lot of relationships, the honeymoon phase started to fade and I opted for hitting the snooze button instead of getting up early to say ‘good morning’ to mediation or I’d pick up my phone and gawk at it instead of embracing meditation. We started seeing each other sporadically, without as much feeling as the months passed by.

And then I went to Maui for holiday. Maui is place where lovers go: newlyweds, retirees, the newly engaged, and rum-lovers. That’s why I go – for the lava flows. Just kidding. Not really. Okay, Maui is more than rum slushies. This trip was straight up vacation for me – just time for a break in a place I love. I didn’t expect to fall head over heels, but I did. I fell head over heels with my old friend, mediation. The fondness I once felt was back! We went everywhere together. The beach! The pool! Strolling along the street! Even on the dance floor with old Drake tracks playing! Maui loves them some old-school Drake.

So I now understand that mediation isn’t something that is or isn’t there like a good or shit boyfriend, it’s with me always, not unlike my ever-present muffin top. I don’t meditate everyday, but I hope to build on my renewed relationship so we are together forever. Kind of what Annie Wilkes wants for her and Paul Sheldon, but without all the drama. Geez,  girl!

Speaking of my muffin top, I finally, officially, joined an actual gym yesterday. Not that I don’t enjoy my double-chocolate MT, it just kind of gets in the way sometimes… but that’s another post.

Before The Fall…

by Noah Hawley, is the book I just picked up from Chapters. Indigo. Whatever. On my way to the store, I had to elbow through a group of naked people giving out free hugs. This book better be a gem.

In other, more important news: I saw the Tall Man, today. He’s gotta be at least 7′. At least!

UPDATE: Book was boring AF. My mum really thought it was great tho.

Amy Schumer Liked My Tweet

Eeeeeeee! This morning, I finished reading Amy Schumer’s book, ‘The Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo’. I told her as much and thanked her for writing it. There are so many “themes” in her book that I care deeply about – beyond the comedic-factor, that I had to reach out an tell her. More on the book another time. In other news; I bought new bed pillows today. Eeeeeeee! Buying pillows is such a crap shoot. There you are, stretching open the protective plastic around the pillow, hoping no one will see you trying to get a squeeze in. Like a few pokes at a pillow will really determine the next 12 months of sleep. Purchase the right pillow and you are guaranteed night after night of comfortable sleep, waking rested, neck lengthened like the model on the pillow bag, and not a hair out of place. Purchase the wrong pillow and you are destined to intolerable aches and pains, a hot-ass neck, and long nights with eyes wide open staring at the ceiling while you toss and turn, with whack morning hair. I took an hour-long nap on those pillows, in the middle of the freaking day, so I expect to be giraffe-like in like a week or so.